How I feel...

How I feel...

Do you want to know how I feel?
Do you really really want to know?

I feel that I have given so many,
yet I received so less...
I feel that I worked my ass out,
trying to make it work,
but no one helping me...
I feel hopeless,
I feel lost,
I feel unloved,
I feel uncare,
I don't know what else.

I really don't know...
Someone help me please.

Have you ever been in love?

In the morning light
Half awake and half asleep
Have you ever laid there thinking
Was it all a dream?
But you reach out and he's there
Every moment, everywhere
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever felt
How far a heart can fall
Have you ever stayed up waiting
For a telephone call
Just to hear him say hello
cause you miss each other so
Have you ever been in love?

Have there been times to laugh
And times you really want to cry
Finding reasons to believe him
cause you'd die a little if he lied
And when in times of doubt
Have you ever tried to work it out
But still he leaves you wondering
What its all about...

And when he's far away
Have you ever felt the need to stray
And tried and then discovered
It just doesn't pay
cause with him, you can be true
And with him, you can be you
Have you ever been in love?

And when the night comes down
Can you call your house a home
Do you dream you're still together
And wake up alone
Have you ever been in love
The way that I'm in love
Have you ever been in love?

Tiredness...

I’m so tired sometimes. Really tired.

I’m tired, trying to make things work.
I’m tired, reaching out to you but you’re not reaching me back.

My life is a real messed lately, I hope that this is not mess up too. This relationship.

He would say:
I am asking too much questions
I am worrying about silly things
I am keeping an eye on him
I do not trust him…

Maybe, just maybe I have reasons to do that…
He is just turning so cold
He seems that he lose interest of me
He seems not having the passion for me anymore

What can I do now?
I keep trying every day all the time to make it work
I am trying to keep the communication alive
I am trying to reach him but seem that he is not reaching me back
I am trying to keep the romance but he is just so cold

I keep asking over and over again, “what the hell is wrong with us?”
“What do I do wrong?”
“Could you please tell me what the hell is wrong?”

I’m tired.
I am trying all alone here.
Can I ask for some help?
I am really tired.

Fed Up...

“Fed up living around the phone”
Whoaaa… He fed up living around our only to be contacted? Our only communication tool?
Hey, what do you think it made me feel?
It felt like “He fed up with me, with our relationship”
For now, I couldn’t find another way.
Phone has become important part of my life.
If I can find another way, don’t you think I will do it?
I don’t know. I’m speechless…

“He wants someone to hold”
And the way he said it, it felt like “he wants to end this”

I’m fed up too.
I’m fed up when I want to talk to him I have to ask first, “can we talk?”
I’m fed up waiting for sms in the morning and at night, sometimes all day
I’m fed up trying alone to make it work
I’m fed up when I really want to talk for hours, I have to ask “can we talk longer today?”
I’m fed up feeling that he would always go when his friend asked, but not when I asked
I’m fed up looking at the phone in the morning, said “no new messages”
I’m fed up asking everyday “will let me know when you’re home?”
I’m fed up always to be the first person sending sms
I’m fed up waiting
I’m fed up and tired.

Could not ask for more, could I?

Australian Trip...

What could I say about that?
What could I ask?

The truth is...
Australia trip? I thought, ok I'm fine with it.
Staying at friend's house? I thought, wait a minute... What the hell is that suppose to be?

I might not really like the idea of Australia trip, but I really really dont like the idea of staying at friend's house.
I never like it. I never said anything, but I have bad feelings about it.

I asked that he come after Australia, I asked him not to cut my holiday short.
Thats all I asked.
So, I could not ask for more, could I?

I never like it at all. Its not something normal for me.
But hey, I was only being unreasonable right? and I didnt make any sense, right?
So, I could not say anything more, could I?

Then, someone strongly adviced not to stay at friend's house.
And he said, ok.
Where do I stand all this time then??

Could not ask for more, could I?

-mixture feelings of hurt, sad, disappointed, mad, confused, lonely, bad mood...-

Poem by E.E. Cummings...

"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart.
I am never without it,
Anywhere I go, you go, my dear.
And whatever is done by only me,
is your doing, my darling.
I fear no fate,
for you are my fate, my sweet.
I want no world, for, beautiful,
you are my world, my true.
Here is the deepest secret no one knows.
Here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life,
which grows higher than the soul can hope,
or mind can hide.
It is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart."

Hollow...

Yes hollow...
So hollow I have been for the last few months...

I just really don't know how I should feel
Hopeless...
Worthless...
Trustless..

Why I feel so insecure? So uncomfortable? Afraid? Scare?
Why there should be someone else around?
Someone that always make me feel insecure?
Why she's always be the good one?
Why she'a always around?
Why her? From all of the people why her?

It hurts a lot.. It hurts too much..
Maybe I should just end it, If I was going to feel this way forever...
It really hurts...
Too much to bear.
Too much to hold.
How much longer I can take it?
A year?
Two years?
Five years?

Will I always be the bad one here?
Will I always be the wrong one?
Will I always be the jerk one?
Will I always be the less trustworthy one?
Will I always get the less respect here?

Respect? What can I hope for a little bit of respect?
All I want is for them to respect my values and understand it..
Some things that dont mean anything, may mean a great thing for me.
Some things that is normal, may not normal for me.
Some things that they dont care at all, well FOR GOD SAKE, "I do care!!"

"Sweetheart?" Is it meaningless?
"Honey?" Meaningless?
"Darling?" Meaningless?
Its GODDAMN something for me!!!

Goodbye My Lover...

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and
I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow

Emotions...

It's over and done

But the heartache lives on inside

And who's the one you're clinging to

Instead of me tonight?

And where are you now, now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean

You'll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion taking me over

Caught up in sorrow

Lost in the song

But if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight?

Goodnight, goodnight

I'm there at your side,I'm part of all the things you are

But you've got a part of someone else

You've got to find your shining star
And where are you now, now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean

You'll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion taking me over

Caught up in sorrow

Lost in the song

But if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight?

Goodnight, goodnight

And where are you now, now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean

You'll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion taking me over

Caught up in sorrowLost in the song

But if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight?

Bleeding Heart...

My heart still bleeding. It wont stop. Someone stabbed a knife in my heart and the knife still stay.. Somehow no one cant take it out. It stays and keep bleeding...



Sometimes, few times it felt like someone will succeed to take it out.. Maybe just an inch. Then suddenly it goes deeper than before, so much deeper that it is impossible to take out..



It will take a lot of effort, much more effort. And it will leave a big scar...

My heart still bleeding..

What can we do?

Yes right. What can we do? It hurts when someone you love ask you that. It feels like we cant do anything to make it works. Is it really nothing we can do? Nothing at all to make all work? Nothing to be together? Nothing at all, even just to be together in any way?
Can we just try to spend every possible time we have to be together? Maybe not together, together. But there's always another way to be together...

I dont know. A friend sent me somee quotes... It said that "Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste theirtime on you."

Its true. I just dont know what to do. It just felt that I was doing it all alone.
A friend told me that I should try to spend every possible time I have to be together and make the most of it and hoping it can strengthen the relationship. Well, I'm trying with hope that maybe he will feel the same, and feel comitted to me.

I lost for words, and I feel i'm starting to lose hope...

Continued...

I'm raised the eastern way. I'm raised with certain values that taught me that there are some things that you can not crossed in a relationships. I'm raised with certain norms based on my religion. Even though I'm quite more modern than many people, those values are stick in my heart. I've learned along the way that I may not perfect, but I still hold some values my society taught me.

The point is, sometimes it will still hard to accept the western way. I could not just take it for granted. Its hard... Ok, i'm babling now. I'd better stop.

I did some stupid mistakes in my life. And I just did maybe the biggest one. I screwed up. You could say that I was out of the line. And you are allowed to be nasty with me. I never wanted to hurt anyone, or ruined anyone's life. I just wanted to show that I'm hurt, more than anyone ever imagine. I just wanted to say, "Please, dont take him away from me"

I screwed up. I admitted. I should have be more careful of what I was going to say. I thought of what I was going to say carefully. I could be more nasty, but I did not do it. Because it will only take him away from me. I did not mean to say anything that hurts. I did not know that someone else have access. I did not know that I could only use the email for emergency. I swear I did not know all that.

I screwed up big time ok. More than he screwed it up. BIG! But he screwed up too. I realised that if I screw up again, I'm going to ruin everyone's life. Me, him, her and him. But I also realised that if he screw up again, it seems that the only life's going to ruin is mine. Not his, not theirs. I will keep my promise. I wont cross that line again. I wont screw up. I will just keep my mouth shut and my hands up. I wont cross that line they have. I will just stay put where I am.
Its hard, I'm just the kind of person who worries too much. I over react quite a lot of times. But thats just who I am. "You can not control someone's actions." I can not, I know. But sometimes its just too much to bear knowing that there are times I feel like I dont mean anything.

There's nothing I can do right? I just need to control my emotions. Just be myself, and show him that I love him. I love him more than I ever love anyone.
.....

Rough Fucking Months!!!

I'm having the hardest ******* months in my life! Its hard and breaking my heart...
I dont know...
First, my holiday with my boyfriend did not go well. We were arguing too much, or I was complaining too much to be exactly. Most of it were my faults. I admitted that. We did not feel many romance sparkling like our last holiday. It was not bad, but did not go exactly as we wanted to be. I really don't know what the problem was. I think that I couldnt or I was not used to show any romances in front of other people. Or maybe I just had too many things in my mind. That week I had several tests for the Sampoerna Foundation Scholarship, so I could not spend whole time with him. I had to study and work too. So I think it really was my faults.
I love him more than before. It doesnt mean that I dont love him before. Its just that I have so much love inside me but I cannot show him how much.
As he left, it tore me apart. I wanted him to stay. Its always hard, and harder each time when its time for goodbyes. I had a hard week after he left. I felt like zombie. I felt like a robot. I did only the things what everyone asked of me. I couldnt concentrate and had hard times to stay focus. It was worst for me and it was not good at all. I needed him, at least to hold on to and to lean on.. But I couldnt reach him, he gets farther and farther each day... I dont know what is wrong with us. We dont know whats happening with us. Maybe its only because we are busy at that moment and hope that everything will get back to normal. Well it doesnt, everything get worst. I dont know what to say or do...

We both crossed the line. We screwed up everything. He kissed a friend. He broke a promise once he promised me that nothing will ever happen between them, regardless of what happen in the past. It breaks me apart. To pieces. My heart and maybe part of my life. I am still falling apart. It was too much. Too painful. I couldnt end it because I love him, and I can not afford to lose him. I can not live without him. It will be too hard to bear. A lot of things going on my mind. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe because something is wrong, then he might need something to release it. I dont know. It was just too hard. It still is. I'm still shaking just to think about it. But I know I have to live with it, all my life.
It was funny, because this is what I've been afraid all this time. Or maybe this is what I'm always afraid of then it happen. I dont know... It just happened.
So, I'm trying to live with it, because there is nothing I can do. Someone told me that I cant control this thing. I just have to live with it. I just have to love him just as he is. Its his choice whether he wants to stay with me or not. Thats what a friend told me. He's really nice guy, my friend.

But I did something that ruined everything. I wish I could turn back the time..