Continued...

I'm raised the eastern way. I'm raised with certain values that taught me that there are some things that you can not crossed in a relationships. I'm raised with certain norms based on my religion. Even though I'm quite more modern than many people, those values are stick in my heart. I've learned along the way that I may not perfect, but I still hold some values my society taught me.

The point is, sometimes it will still hard to accept the western way. I could not just take it for granted. Its hard... Ok, i'm babling now. I'd better stop.

I did some stupid mistakes in my life. And I just did maybe the biggest one. I screwed up. You could say that I was out of the line. And you are allowed to be nasty with me. I never wanted to hurt anyone, or ruined anyone's life. I just wanted to show that I'm hurt, more than anyone ever imagine. I just wanted to say, "Please, dont take him away from me"

I screwed up. I admitted. I should have be more careful of what I was going to say. I thought of what I was going to say carefully. I could be more nasty, but I did not do it. Because it will only take him away from me. I did not mean to say anything that hurts. I did not know that someone else have access. I did not know that I could only use the email for emergency. I swear I did not know all that.

I screwed up big time ok. More than he screwed it up. BIG! But he screwed up too. I realised that if I screw up again, I'm going to ruin everyone's life. Me, him, her and him. But I also realised that if he screw up again, it seems that the only life's going to ruin is mine. Not his, not theirs. I will keep my promise. I wont cross that line again. I wont screw up. I will just keep my mouth shut and my hands up. I wont cross that line they have. I will just stay put where I am.
Its hard, I'm just the kind of person who worries too much. I over react quite a lot of times. But thats just who I am. "You can not control someone's actions." I can not, I know. But sometimes its just too much to bear knowing that there are times I feel like I dont mean anything.

There's nothing I can do right? I just need to control my emotions. Just be myself, and show him that I love him. I love him more than I ever love anyone.
.....