My heart still bleeding. It wont stop. Someone stabbed a knife in my heart and the knife still stay.. Somehow no one cant take it out. It stays and keep bleeding...
Sometimes, few times it felt like someone will succeed to take it out.. Maybe just an inch. Then suddenly it goes deeper than before, so much deeper that it is impossible to take out..
It will take a lot of effort, much more effort. And it will leave a big scar...
My heart still bleeding..
Saturday, July 28, 2007
What can we do?
Yes right. What can we do? It hurts when someone you love ask you that. It feels like we cant do anything to make it works. Is it really nothing we can do? Nothing at all to make all work? Nothing to be together? Nothing at all, even just to be together in any way?
Can we just try to spend every possible time we have to be together? Maybe not together, together. But there's always another way to be together...
I dont know. A friend sent me somee quotes... It said that "Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste theirtime on you."
Its true. I just dont know what to do. It just felt that I was doing it all alone.
A friend told me that I should try to spend every possible time I have to be together and make the most of it and hoping it can strengthen the relationship. Well, I'm trying with hope that maybe he will feel the same, and feel comitted to me.
I lost for words, and I feel i'm starting to lose hope...
Can we just try to spend every possible time we have to be together? Maybe not together, together. But there's always another way to be together...
I dont know. A friend sent me somee quotes... It said that "Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste theirtime on you."
Its true. I just dont know what to do. It just felt that I was doing it all alone.
A friend told me that I should try to spend every possible time I have to be together and make the most of it and hoping it can strengthen the relationship. Well, I'm trying with hope that maybe he will feel the same, and feel comitted to me.
I lost for words, and I feel i'm starting to lose hope...
Friday, July 20, 2007
Continued...
I'm raised the eastern way. I'm raised with certain values that taught me that there are some things that you can not crossed in a relationships. I'm raised with certain norms based on my religion. Even though I'm quite more modern than many people, those values are stick in my heart. I've learned along the way that I may not perfect, but I still hold some values my society taught me.
The point is, sometimes it will still hard to accept the western way. I could not just take it for granted. Its hard... Ok, i'm babling now. I'd better stop.
I did some stupid mistakes in my life. And I just did maybe the biggest one. I screwed up. You could say that I was out of the line. And you are allowed to be nasty with me. I never wanted to hurt anyone, or ruined anyone's life. I just wanted to show that I'm hurt, more than anyone ever imagine. I just wanted to say, "Please, dont take him away from me"
I screwed up. I admitted. I should have be more careful of what I was going to say. I thought of what I was going to say carefully. I could be more nasty, but I did not do it. Because it will only take him away from me. I did not mean to say anything that hurts. I did not know that someone else have access. I did not know that I could only use the email for emergency. I swear I did not know all that.
I screwed up big time ok. More than he screwed it up. BIG! But he screwed up too. I realised that if I screw up again, I'm going to ruin everyone's life. Me, him, her and him. But I also realised that if he screw up again, it seems that the only life's going to ruin is mine. Not his, not theirs. I will keep my promise. I wont cross that line again. I wont screw up. I will just keep my mouth shut and my hands up. I wont cross that line they have. I will just stay put where I am.
Its hard, I'm just the kind of person who worries too much. I over react quite a lot of times. But thats just who I am. "You can not control someone's actions." I can not, I know. But sometimes its just too much to bear knowing that there are times I feel like I dont mean anything.
There's nothing I can do right? I just need to control my emotions. Just be myself, and show him that I love him. I love him more than I ever love anyone.
.....
The point is, sometimes it will still hard to accept the western way. I could not just take it for granted. Its hard... Ok, i'm babling now. I'd better stop.
I did some stupid mistakes in my life. And I just did maybe the biggest one. I screwed up. You could say that I was out of the line. And you are allowed to be nasty with me. I never wanted to hurt anyone, or ruined anyone's life. I just wanted to show that I'm hurt, more than anyone ever imagine. I just wanted to say, "Please, dont take him away from me"
I screwed up. I admitted. I should have be more careful of what I was going to say. I thought of what I was going to say carefully. I could be more nasty, but I did not do it. Because it will only take him away from me. I did not mean to say anything that hurts. I did not know that someone else have access. I did not know that I could only use the email for emergency. I swear I did not know all that.
I screwed up big time ok. More than he screwed it up. BIG! But he screwed up too. I realised that if I screw up again, I'm going to ruin everyone's life. Me, him, her and him. But I also realised that if he screw up again, it seems that the only life's going to ruin is mine. Not his, not theirs. I will keep my promise. I wont cross that line again. I wont screw up. I will just keep my mouth shut and my hands up. I wont cross that line they have. I will just stay put where I am.
Its hard, I'm just the kind of person who worries too much. I over react quite a lot of times. But thats just who I am. "You can not control someone's actions." I can not, I know. But sometimes its just too much to bear knowing that there are times I feel like I dont mean anything.
There's nothing I can do right? I just need to control my emotions. Just be myself, and show him that I love him. I love him more than I ever love anyone.
.....
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Rough Fucking Months!!!
I'm having the hardest ******* months in my life! Its hard and breaking my heart...
I dont know...
First, my holiday with my boyfriend did not go well. We were arguing too much, or I was complaining too much to be exactly. Most of it were my faults. I admitted that. We did not feel many romance sparkling like our last holiday. It was not bad, but did not go exactly as we wanted to be. I really don't know what the problem was. I think that I couldnt or I was not used to show any romances in front of other people. Or maybe I just had too many things in my mind. That week I had several tests for the Sampoerna Foundation Scholarship, so I could not spend whole time with him. I had to study and work too. So I think it really was my faults.
I love him more than before. It doesnt mean that I dont love him before. Its just that I have so much love inside me but I cannot show him how much.
As he left, it tore me apart. I wanted him to stay. Its always hard, and harder each time when its time for goodbyes. I had a hard week after he left. I felt like zombie. I felt like a robot. I did only the things what everyone asked of me. I couldnt concentrate and had hard times to stay focus. It was worst for me and it was not good at all. I needed him, at least to hold on to and to lean on.. But I couldnt reach him, he gets farther and farther each day... I dont know what is wrong with us. We dont know whats happening with us. Maybe its only because we are busy at that moment and hope that everything will get back to normal. Well it doesnt, everything get worst. I dont know what to say or do...
We both crossed the line. We screwed up everything. He kissed a friend. He broke a promise once he promised me that nothing will ever happen between them, regardless of what happen in the past. It breaks me apart. To pieces. My heart and maybe part of my life. I am still falling apart. It was too much. Too painful. I couldnt end it because I love him, and I can not afford to lose him. I can not live without him. It will be too hard to bear. A lot of things going on my mind. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe because something is wrong, then he might need something to release it. I dont know. It was just too hard. It still is. I'm still shaking just to think about it. But I know I have to live with it, all my life.
It was funny, because this is what I've been afraid all this time. Or maybe this is what I'm always afraid of then it happen. I dont know... It just happened.
So, I'm trying to live with it, because there is nothing I can do. Someone told me that I cant control this thing. I just have to live with it. I just have to love him just as he is. Its his choice whether he wants to stay with me or not. Thats what a friend told me. He's really nice guy, my friend.
But I did something that ruined everything. I wish I could turn back the time..
I dont know...
First, my holiday with my boyfriend did not go well. We were arguing too much, or I was complaining too much to be exactly. Most of it were my faults. I admitted that. We did not feel many romance sparkling like our last holiday. It was not bad, but did not go exactly as we wanted to be. I really don't know what the problem was. I think that I couldnt or I was not used to show any romances in front of other people. Or maybe I just had too many things in my mind. That week I had several tests for the Sampoerna Foundation Scholarship, so I could not spend whole time with him. I had to study and work too. So I think it really was my faults.
I love him more than before. It doesnt mean that I dont love him before. Its just that I have so much love inside me but I cannot show him how much.
As he left, it tore me apart. I wanted him to stay. Its always hard, and harder each time when its time for goodbyes. I had a hard week after he left. I felt like zombie. I felt like a robot. I did only the things what everyone asked of me. I couldnt concentrate and had hard times to stay focus. It was worst for me and it was not good at all. I needed him, at least to hold on to and to lean on.. But I couldnt reach him, he gets farther and farther each day... I dont know what is wrong with us. We dont know whats happening with us. Maybe its only because we are busy at that moment and hope that everything will get back to normal. Well it doesnt, everything get worst. I dont know what to say or do...
We both crossed the line. We screwed up everything. He kissed a friend. He broke a promise once he promised me that nothing will ever happen between them, regardless of what happen in the past. It breaks me apart. To pieces. My heart and maybe part of my life. I am still falling apart. It was too much. Too painful. I couldnt end it because I love him, and I can not afford to lose him. I can not live without him. It will be too hard to bear. A lot of things going on my mind. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe because something is wrong, then he might need something to release it. I dont know. It was just too hard. It still is. I'm still shaking just to think about it. But I know I have to live with it, all my life.
It was funny, because this is what I've been afraid all this time. Or maybe this is what I'm always afraid of then it happen. I dont know... It just happened.
So, I'm trying to live with it, because there is nothing I can do. Someone told me that I cant control this thing. I just have to live with it. I just have to love him just as he is. Its his choice whether he wants to stay with me or not. Thats what a friend told me. He's really nice guy, my friend.
But I did something that ruined everything. I wish I could turn back the time..
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