I'm having the hardest ******* months in my life! Its hard and breaking my heart...
I dont know...
First, my holiday with my boyfriend did not go well. We were arguing too much, or I was complaining too much to be exactly. Most of it were my faults. I admitted that. We did not feel many romance sparkling like our last holiday. It was not bad, but did not go exactly as we wanted to be. I really don't know what the problem was. I think that I couldnt or I was not used to show any romances in front of other people. Or maybe I just had too many things in my mind. That week I had several tests for the Sampoerna Foundation Scholarship, so I could not spend whole time with him. I had to study and work too. So I think it really was my faults.
I love him more than before. It doesnt mean that I dont love him before. Its just that I have so much love inside me but I cannot show him how much.
As he left, it tore me apart. I wanted him to stay. Its always hard, and harder each time when its time for goodbyes. I had a hard week after he left. I felt like zombie. I felt like a robot. I did only the things what everyone asked of me. I couldnt concentrate and had hard times to stay focus. It was worst for me and it was not good at all. I needed him, at least to hold on to and to lean on.. But I couldnt reach him, he gets farther and farther each day... I dont know what is wrong with us. We dont know whats happening with us. Maybe its only because we are busy at that moment and hope that everything will get back to normal. Well it doesnt, everything get worst. I dont know what to say or do...
We both crossed the line. We screwed up everything. He kissed a friend. He broke a promise once he promised me that nothing will ever happen between them, regardless of what happen in the past. It breaks me apart. To pieces. My heart and maybe part of my life. I am still falling apart. It was too much. Too painful. I couldnt end it because I love him, and I can not afford to lose him. I can not live without him. It will be too hard to bear. A lot of things going on my mind. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe because something is wrong, then he might need something to release it. I dont know. It was just too hard. It still is. I'm still shaking just to think about it. But I know I have to live with it, all my life.
It was funny, because this is what I've been afraid all this time. Or maybe this is what I'm always afraid of then it happen. I dont know... It just happened.
So, I'm trying to live with it, because there is nothing I can do. Someone told me that I cant control this thing. I just have to live with it. I just have to love him just as he is. Its his choice whether he wants to stay with me or not. Thats what a friend told me. He's really nice guy, my friend.
But I did something that ruined everything. I wish I could turn back the time..
No comments:
Post a Comment