Notes of...

Someday by John Legend....

2008-04-03T12:42:00.001+07:00

I am hoping someday too...

Tell me honestly...

2008-03-29T14:16:00.003+07:00

I was stand before you, accused of many crimes...
But I believed that our love can still survive..
I wanted to make things work out..

How was I, to know the right from wrong
Words were hardly spoken...
Where did I go wrong?
Where did it go wrong?
Where did we went wrong?

Honey, just tell me honestly
If you're still in love with me
Look into my eyes and tell me honestly...

My words will have more meaning, if I said it at certain times...
It is never too late to say what I needed to say
But how would you know it, if you wouldn't give me a chance to say it
To see if everything could work out, and you'd be mine again...

Honey, just tell me honestly
If you're still in love with me
Look into my eyes and tell me honestly...

What have I done???

2008-03-28T16:46:00.001+07:00

What have I done for you,
what have I done for us to know,
that wasn't promises I gone now they're gone...

tell me whats wrong with me,
please let me know if you're looking for,
something we could keep together...

sometimes I feel I'm in heaven
and sometimes I don't know who I am
we could be happy together
and we could find away...

I wish you would want that too dear...

Massimo is back....

2008-03-26T17:55:00.001+07:00

Keren abis.....
Bikin termehe2 kan... Hehehe....
Ti amo sempre dah...

Massimo - Something in the way she moves...

2008-03-26T17:44:00.001+07:00

Something in the way she moves...

2008-03-26T17:35:00.000+07:00

There's something in the way she moves,
Or looks my way, or calls my name,
That seems to leave this troubled world behind.
And if I'm feeling down and blue,
Or troubled by some foolish game,
She always seems to make me change my mind.

And I feel fine anytime she's around me now,
She's around me now, almost all the time
And if I'm well you can tell she's been with me now,
She's been with me now quite a long, long time
And I feel fine.

Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning
And I find myself careening
Into places where I should not let me go.
She has the power to go where no one else can find me
And to silently remind me
Of the happiness and the good times that I know, got to know.

It isn't what she's got to say
But how she thinks and where she's been
To me, the words are nice, the way they sound
I like to hear them best that way
It doesn't much matter what they mean
If she says them mostly just to calm me down.

PS. Anybody want to sing this song for me? :(

Honestly...

2008-03-26T17:28:00.002+07:00

I stand before you, accused of many crimes...
But I want to believe that love can still survive
You don’t have to say it, I don’t have to read your mind
To know the emptiness that’s finally arrived

How was I, to know the right from wrong
Words were hardly spoken, so where did I go wrong ?

Tell me honestly, if you’re still in love me...
Looking into my eyes, honestly...

Words will have more meaning, if they’re said at certain times
I need you now so I can feel alive
How would you know it, you won’t give me sometime
To see if everything could work out, and you’d be mine

Oh, will love be lost forever but someday I will find
The world we’ve all been searching for
Or just some peace of mind..

Tell me honestly, if you’re still loving me
Looking into my eyes, honestly..

All the night I sit and wonder
Must be more to laugh, I’m sure that
Days and years gone by while I am
Living with the..
Oh, lonely feeling

I will survive...

2008-03-14T15:43:00.001+07:00

First I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live, without you by my side
But I spent so many nights, thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong, I learned how to carry on

And so you're back, from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

Tears from a woman's eyes...

2008-03-12T17:59:00.005+07:00

A girl won't cry easily,
Except in front of the person who she love the most, she becomes weak.

A girl won't cry easily,
only when she love you the most, she put down her ego.

Guys, if a girl cries because of you, please hold her hands firmly,
she's the one who would stay with you for the rest of your life.

Guys, if a girl cries because of you, please don't give her up,
maybe because of your decision, you ruin her life.

When she cries right infront of you,
When she cries because of you,
Look into her eyes,
Can u see and feel the pain and hurt she's feeling?

Think.....

Which other girl have cried with pure sincerity,
In front of you, and because of you?

She cries not because she is weak,
She cries not because she wants sympathy or pity,
She cries, because crying silently is no longer possible,
the pain, hurt, and agony have become too big a burden to be kept inside.

Guys,
Think about it,
If a girl cries her heart out to you,
And all because of you,
It's time to look back on what you have done,
Only you will know the answer to it.

Do consider it,
Because one day,
It may be too late for regrets,
It may be too late to say "I'm sorry".

To my friends...
Ponder this message seriously.
Don't do this to a girl,
You may regret for the rest of your life.
Maybe in your life,
She's the only one that love YOU the most.

Remember this lesson...

No one falls in love by CHOICE, it is by CHANCE
No one stays in love by CHANCE, it is by WORK
And no one falls out of love by CHANCE, it is by CHOICE.

Taken from : katlustana.multiply.com/journal
(I'm sorry I used your words Kat's, but I think you got the point here. Thanks)

How do you heal a broken heart...

2008-03-12T17:57:00.000+07:00

Please someone tell me.....

Things I hate about you now...

2008-02-05T17:43:00.000+07:00

I hate the way you make me feel right now, the way I feel inside
I hate it when you're quiet all day
I hate it when you're not reply my message
I hate it when you're busy
I hate it when you're distant
I hate it when you're closed up to me
I hate it when you're pissed of
I hate the way you make me addicted
I hate the way you make me feel up then make me feel down
I hate the way you make me cry at nights
I hate the way you make me upset
I hate the way you lie
I hate the way you're messing up my life
I hate the way you make me laugh then make me cry
I hate the way you love me now
I hate your Paris trip
I hate your Australian trip
I hate the feelings I have for you now
I hate it when you said not to worry
I hate the way how my life turned around you
I hate the way I miss you
I hate the way I want you
I hate the way I love you

I hate everything about you now
I just really hate the way you make feel right now...

Feelings...

2008-02-03T21:51:00.000+07:00

Someone told me that I should try to change
and maybe it will bring you back to me
I cannot change what I am completely,
but I rather you be mean than love and lie

I started by saying sorry
I wish maybe it will make you open up to me...

I didnt call you a liar
I just think that you're hiding some facts from me
I'm trying to understand that maybe you doing that because you don't want to get me upset,
or you don't want to hurt me, or you don't want to lose me, or maybe you are fed up with my emotional things
Just open up to me dear, and help me to understand
Then maybe we can make this thing work...
If we really want it to work...

I miss so many things...

2008-02-03T21:37:00.000+07:00

I miss so many things dear...
Millions of beautiful things and beautiful moments we have share together
Where did it go now?
Gone with the wind?

I miss our laughs
I miss our long conversation during the night
I miss your stories
I miss everything

I miss the way we kiss on the phone
I miss the way we make love on the phone

I miss everything about you
I miss everything about us
I miss the way we feel so in love with each other
I miss the way you so crazy about me

Where did all go dear?
Am I the one who made it disappear?
Am I the one who pushed you away from me?
Am I the one to blame?

Should we go on and maybe try to make it work again?
Or should we stop before its too late?

Its true to say that when you need your love ones the most,
it is the time when he turns their back on you...

I'm sorry

2008-02-03T01:17:00.000+07:00

I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry for everything I’ve said and done all this time.
Everything that hurts you.
Everything that upsets you.
I’m sorry for everytime I got you into trouble.
I’m sorry for every upset moments I caused.
I’m sorry for every emotional moments I caused.
I’m sorry for all the bad words, bad thinking.
I’m sorry for your every nightmares, every bad moods.
I’m sorry for everything that I forget to say here.
I’m sorry for being difficult, I’m sorry for every burden and obligations.
I’m so sorry for everything.
I love you.

I’m sorry for every fights, every arguments, every jealousy.
I’m sorry for not listening to you.

I’m sorry too for all the times you’re feeling like a zombie.
I’m sorry for being difficult, I’m sorry for all the bad times.
I'm sorry for neglecting your needs. I'm sorry.

I’m sorry for all the angers, all the frustrations, all the desperation feelings.
I’m sorry for your unhappy moments.

I’ve said all this because I think its time for me to realize all my mistakes all this time and its time to say sorry.
I owe you a big apology.
I have other sorry to say, but I just cant remember it all now.
I will when I do.
Think about what I said and I hope that you forgive me.

I’m sorry for all the troubles I caused you at home and at work.
I’m just trying to be a better person, a better person than before.
So maybe I’ll forgive myself.
I’m trying to start new pages for me and I hope for us.
I’m trying to understand myself better and understand you and us.
I can only show love and understanding and support now.
I don’t have anything else to give.

Nothing is wrong.
I only want to say I’m sorry and hope it’s the right time.
I love you so much and that’s all I can give.
Nothing more.

I’m sorry for never being so understanding.

I feel sorry for all the bad things that has happened.

I said all these things because I have to.
Its time I should say sorry.
I have give you lots of had times without realizing it.
I shouldn’t do that.
It wont do any good.
I think we’re not going anywhere if I don’t start to change and start to understand.
I start by saying sorry.

I feel that the more I get upset or emotional over things, the more I push you away from me. The more I get upset, the more you feel resistant.
I think you are tired and have enough dealing with all these emotions with me.
You’re unhappy with me.
And I feel you got tired of dealing with all of my emotions.
And I don’t want that.
All my emotional things just keep push you away.

I don’t feel fine.
I’ve been not fine.
Its not alright when I keep pushing you away.
Its not alright when without realizing it I done things that pull yourself back away from me.
I didn’t make you laugh as much as I should.
I’m not fun to be with anymore.
We have negative communication.

I’m hoping you’re not going to see or judge all of my emotional things in a general way.
I’ve learned things along the way and I’m learning how to be strong.
I think I’ve learned to control myself a little bit.
I’ve been through so much.
And I’m learning everything. I hope.

Its not alright when I done nothing but keep you pull yourself away from me.
It takes two in everything, and its time for me to do something.

The negative vibes don’t help anyone.
Not myself, not you, not us.
I’ve been feeling these negative vibes, but I didn’t realize it till recently.
I’ve been giving it to everyone, including you, us, so I should start making it positive again.
Start from you and us, maybe it will make my life better.

If I start control my emotions and stop sending negative vibes, maybe it will do us good.
And do me good.
I start by saying sorry.

I just hope someday I get my old boyfriend back..
I love you

Honesty...

2008-01-25T11:43:00.000+07:00

I wish you could have been truth to me...
I will not judge you for anything, I just want you to be honest with me...
I am emotional person, and we both know that
But I've been trying to control myself since what happened last time
and I just want you to appreciate me for this.

A woman has strong feeling about certain things,
and I think I've been holding it for quite long.

If your feeling has change for me,
and you want someone else instead of me,
then lets deal with it.

If you still want us to be together,
then get over it the feelings you have.

Then maybe we can have normal relationship...

Ordinary People...

2008-01-01T20:35:00.000+07:00

Girl (honey) I'm in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday

I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still (always) put you first
And (I hope) we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
'cause we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way

I hang up you call (I call you hang up)
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I (always) still want you to stay

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe you'll never fight,
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby, you and I

From John Legend : Ordinary People with some changes.
This song always puts a lump in my throat whenever I heard it. :(

What I got to do?

2008-01-01T20:31:00.000+07:00

What I got to do to make you love me?
What I got to do to make you care?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
And I wake to find that you're not there?

What I got to do to make you want me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Walks away from me...

2008-01-01T20:19:00.000+07:00

Ever imagine what it feels like
being hurt by someone that you care for,
Ever imagine that every effort that
you gave was thrown away without a trace,
Ever imagine when you need the most
but never come to close?

That moment has exist
and given me a truly miss,
Tried to recover,
tried to face the reality,
but it seems nobody beside me,
What do I expect when that moment
had swallowed me alive?

For sure I took the lesson,
for real I gave everything,
And up till now my efforts are
relentlessly of achieving
my spirit back to live,
And walks away from my shadow of life!

From : somewhere

How I feel...

2007-12-24T21:43:00.000+07:00

How I feel...

Do you want to know how I feel?
Do you really really want to know?

I feel that I have given so many,
yet I received so less...
I feel that I worked my ass out,
trying to make it work,
but no one helping me...
I feel hopeless,
I feel lost,
I feel unloved,
I feel uncare,
I don't know what else.

I really don't know...
Someone help me please.

Have you ever been in love?

2007-11-22T17:00:00.000+07:00

In the morning light
Half awake and half asleep
Have you ever laid there thinking
Was it all a dream?
But you reach out and he's there
Every moment, everywhere
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever felt
How far a heart can fall
Have you ever stayed up waiting
For a telephone call
Just to hear him say hello
cause you miss each other so
Have you ever been in love?

Have there been times to laugh
And times you really want to cry
Finding reasons to believe him
cause you'd die a little if he lied
And when in times of doubt
Have you ever tried to work it out
But still he leaves you wondering
What its all about...

And when he's far away
Have you ever felt the need to stray
And tried and then discovered
It just doesn't pay
cause with him, you can be true
And with him, you can be you
Have you ever been in love?

And when the night comes down
Can you call your house a home
Do you dream you're still together
And wake up alone
Have you ever been in love
The way that I'm in love
Have you ever been in love?

Tiredness...

2007-11-09T21:45:00.000+07:00

I’m so tired sometimes. Really tired.

I’m tired, trying to make things work.
I’m tired, reaching out to you but you’re not reaching me back.

My life is a real messed lately, I hope that this is not mess up too. This relationship.

He would say:
I am asking too much questions
I am worrying about silly things
I am keeping an eye on him
I do not trust him…

Maybe, just maybe I have reasons to do that…
He is just turning so cold
He seems that he lose interest of me
He seems not having the passion for me anymore

What can I do now?
I keep trying every day all the time to make it work
I am trying to keep the communication alive
I am trying to reach him but seem that he is not reaching me back
I am trying to keep the romance but he is just so cold

I keep asking over and over again, “what the hell is wrong with us?”
“What do I do wrong?”
“Could you please tell me what the hell is wrong?”

I’m tired.
I am trying all alone here.
Can I ask for some help?
I am really tired.

Fed Up...

2007-10-29T21:03:00.000+07:00

“Fed up living around the phone”
Whoaaa… He fed up living around our only to be contacted? Our only communication tool?
Hey, what do you think it made me feel?
It felt like “He fed up with me, with our relationship”
For now, I couldn’t find another way.
Phone has become important part of my life.
If I can find another way, don’t you think I will do it?
I don’t know. I’m speechless…

“He wants someone to hold”
And the way he said it, it felt like “he wants to end this”

I’m fed up too.
I’m fed up when I want to talk to him I have to ask first, “can we talk?”
I’m fed up waiting for sms in the morning and at night, sometimes all day
I’m fed up trying alone to make it work
I’m fed up when I really want to talk for hours, I have to ask “can we talk longer today?”
I’m fed up feeling that he would always go when his friend asked, but not when I asked
I’m fed up looking at the phone in the morning, said “no new messages”
I’m fed up asking everyday “will let me know when you’re home?”
I’m fed up always to be the first person sending sms
I’m fed up waiting
I’m fed up and tired.

Could not ask for more, could I?

2007-10-03T14:34:00.000+07:00

Australian Trip...

What could I say about that?
What could I ask?

The truth is...
Australia trip? I thought, ok I'm fine with it.
Staying at friend's house? I thought, wait a minute... What the hell is that suppose to be?

I might not really like the idea of Australia trip, but I really really dont like the idea of staying at friend's house.
I never like it. I never said anything, but I have bad feelings about it.

I asked that he come after Australia, I asked him not to cut my holiday short.
Thats all I asked.
So, I could not ask for more, could I?

I never like it at all. Its not something normal for me.
But hey, I was only being unreasonable right? and I didnt make any sense, right?
So, I could not say anything more, could I?

Then, someone strongly adviced not to stay at friend's house.
And he said, ok.
Where do I stand all this time then??

Could not ask for more, could I?

-mixture feelings of hurt, sad, disappointed, mad, confused, lonely, bad mood...-

Poem by E.E. Cummings...

2007-10-03T11:36:00.000+07:00

"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart.
I am never without it,
Anywhere I go, you go, my dear.
And whatever is done by only me,
is your doing, my darling.
I fear no fate,
for you are my fate, my sweet.
I want no world, for, beautiful,
you are my world, my true.
Here is the deepest secret no one knows.
Here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life,
which grows higher than the soul can hope,
or mind can hide.
It is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart."

Hollow...

2007-09-24T12:29:00.000+07:00

Yes hollow...
So hollow I have been for the last few months...

I just really don't know how I should feel
Hopeless...
Worthless...
Trustless..

Why I feel so insecure? So uncomfortable? Afraid? Scare?
Why there should be someone else around?
Someone that always make me feel insecure?
Why she's always be the good one?
Why she'a always around?
Why her? From all of the people why her?

It hurts a lot.. It hurts too much..
Maybe I should just end it, If I was going to feel this way forever...
It really hurts...
Too much to bear.
Too much to hold.
How much longer I can take it?
A year?
Two years?
Five years?

Will I always be the bad one here?
Will I always be the wrong one?
Will I always be the jerk one?
Will I always be the less trustworthy one?
Will I always get the less respect here?

Respect? What can I hope for a little bit of respect?
All I want is for them to respect my values and understand it..
Some things that dont mean anything, may mean a great thing for me.
Some things that is normal, may not normal for me.
Some things that they dont care at all, well FOR GOD SAKE, "I do care!!"

"Sweetheart?" Is it meaningless?
"Honey?" Meaningless?
"Darling?" Meaningless?
Its GODDAMN something for me!!!

Goodbye My Lover...

2007-09-24T12:24:00.000+07:00

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and
I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow

Emotions...

2007-09-24T12:18:00.000+07:00

It's over and done

But the heartache lives on inside

And who's the one you're clinging to

Instead of me tonight?

And where are you now, now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean

You'll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion taking me over

Caught up in sorrow

Lost in the song

But if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight?

Goodnight, goodnight

I'm there at your side,I'm part of all the things you are

But you've got a part of someone else

You've got to find your shining star
And where are you now, now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean

You'll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion taking me over

Caught up in sorrow

Lost in the song

But if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight?

Goodnight, goodnight

And where are you now, now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean

You'll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion taking me over

Caught up in sorrowLost in the song

But if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight?

Bleeding Heart...

2007-07-28T23:19:00.000+07:00

My heart still bleeding. It wont stop. Someone stabbed a knife in my heart and the knife still stay.. Somehow no one cant take it out. It stays and keep bleeding...

Sometimes, few times it felt like someone will succeed to take it out.. Maybe just an inch. Then suddenly it goes deeper than before, so much deeper that it is impossible to take out..

It will take a lot of effort, much more effort. And it will leave a big scar...

My heart still bleeding..

What can we do?

2007-07-28T22:45:00.000+07:00

Yes right. What can we do? It hurts when someone you love ask you that. It feels like we cant do anything to make it works. Is it really nothing we can do? Nothing at all to make all work? Nothing to be together? Nothing at all, even just to be together in any way?
Can we just try to spend every possible time we have to be together? Maybe not together, together. But there's always another way to be together...

I dont know. A friend sent me somee quotes... It said that "Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste theirtime on you."

Its true. I just dont know what to do. It just felt that I was doing it all alone.
A friend told me that I should try to spend every possible time I have to be together and make the most of it and hoping it can strengthen the relationship. Well, I'm trying with hope that maybe he will feel the same, and feel comitted to me.

I lost for words, and I feel i'm starting to lose hope...

Continued...

2007-07-20T17:02:00.000+07:00

I'm raised the eastern way. I'm raised with certain values that taught me that there are some things that you can not crossed in a relationships. I'm raised with certain norms based on my religion. Even though I'm quite more modern than many people, those values are stick in my heart. I've learned along the way that I may not perfect, but I still hold some values my society taught me.

The point is, sometimes it will still hard to accept the western way. I could not just take it for granted. Its hard... Ok, i'm babling now. I'd better stop.

I did some stupid mistakes in my life. And I just did maybe the biggest one. I screwed up. You could say that I was out of the line. And you are allowed to be nasty with me. I never wanted to hurt anyone, or ruined anyone's life. I just wanted to show that I'm hurt, more than anyone ever imagine. I just wanted to say, "Please, dont take him away from me"

I screwed up. I admitted. I should have be more careful of what I was going to say. I thought of what I was going to say carefully. I could be more nasty, but I did not do it. Because it will only take him away from me. I did not mean to say anything that hurts. I did not know that someone else have access. I did not know that I could only use the email for emergency. I swear I did not know all that.

I screwed up big time ok. More than he screwed it up. BIG! But he screwed up too. I realised that if I screw up again, I'm going to ruin everyone's life. Me, him, her and him. But I also realised that if he screw up again, it seems that the only life's going to ruin is mine. Not his, not theirs. I will keep my promise. I wont cross that line again. I wont screw up. I will just keep my mouth shut and my hands up. I wont cross that line they have. I will just stay put where I am.
Its hard, I'm just the kind of person who worries too much. I over react quite a lot of times. But thats just who I am. "You can not control someone's actions." I can not, I know. But sometimes its just too much to bear knowing that there are times I feel like I dont mean anything.

There's nothing I can do right? I just need to control my emotions. Just be myself, and show him that I love him. I love him more than I ever love anyone.
.....

Rough Fucking Months!!!

2007-07-19T17:22:00.000+07:00

I'm having the hardest ******* months in my life! Its hard and breaking my heart...
I dont know...
First, my holiday with my boyfriend did not go well. We were arguing too much, or I was complaining too much to be exactly. Most of it were my faults. I admitted that. We did not feel many romance sparkling like our last holiday. It was not bad, but did not go exactly as we wanted to be. I really don't know what the problem was. I think that I couldnt or I was not used to show any romances in front of other people. Or maybe I just had too many things in my mind. That week I had several tests for the Sampoerna Foundation Scholarship, so I could not spend whole time with him. I had to study and work too. So I think it really was my faults.
I love him more than before. It doesnt mean that I dont love him before. Its just that I have so much love inside me but I cannot show him how much.
As he left, it tore me apart. I wanted him to stay. Its always hard, and harder each time when its time for goodbyes. I had a hard week after he left. I felt like zombie. I felt like a robot. I did only the things what everyone asked of me. I couldnt concentrate and had hard times to stay focus. It was worst for me and it was not good at all. I needed him, at least to hold on to and to lean on.. But I couldnt reach him, he gets farther and farther each day... I dont know what is wrong with us. We dont know whats happening with us. Maybe its only because we are busy at that moment and hope that everything will get back to normal. Well it doesnt, everything get worst. I dont know what to say or do...

We both crossed the line. We screwed up everything. He kissed a friend. He broke a promise once he promised me that nothing will ever happen between them, regardless of what happen in the past. It breaks me apart. To pieces. My heart and maybe part of my life. I am still falling apart. It was too much. Too painful. I couldnt end it because I love him, and I can not afford to lose him. I can not live without him. It will be too hard to bear. A lot of things going on my mind. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe because something is wrong, then he might need something to release it. I dont know. It was just too hard. It still is. I'm still shaking just to think about it. But I know I have to live with it, all my life.
It was funny, because this is what I've been afraid all this time. Or maybe this is what I'm always afraid of then it happen. I dont know... It just happened.
So, I'm trying to live with it, because there is nothing I can do. Someone told me that I cant control this thing. I just have to live with it. I just have to love him just as he is. Its his choice whether he wants to stay with me or not. Thats what a friend told me. He's really nice guy, my friend.

But I did something that ruined everything. I wish I could turn back the time..

Crazy Works!!!!

2006-09-07T18:33:00.000+07:00

Crazy! Mad! Nuts! Lunatic!
Ohh I don't know what other words that could describe this crazy crazy works!!!!

I've been working on this project for two continuous weeks now. And it doesn't show any sign to finish! I've been up early and go home late at night for two weeks.....
My body is aching everywhere. My head wont stop spinning. I don't know what else. My blood pressure, high or low... Its just crazy!!

And when its over, and they find out you do one simple mistake, they will kill you. "The Black Sheeps". Here we are the black sheep.

From the first time I saw the assistant manager at my office, I never like him. Until now. Even now he's in charge of this project. He is someone I could never work with, never cooperate with. The communications between us never go so well. SO, I never expected a good result working with him, because I know I could never ever work well with him.
He's just someone I really don't like right now!!!

Oh it feels like I want to resign right now. Right at this moment.
The company not healthy, not to mention the environment.
I wish I'll find a new job soon so I could resign as soon as possible from there. Oh I wish GOD...
Enough of him now.

To my honey bunny, I love you...

Answer #5...

2006-08-07T19:38:00.000+07:00

"No, I will love you as long as you love me."

Answer #4...

2006-08-07T19:37:00.000+07:00

"No, I will love you for as long as we always come on this earth."

Answer #3...

2006-08-07T19:36:00.000+07:00

"No, I will love you forever."

Answer #2...

2006-08-07T19:34:00.000+07:00

"No, I will love you for the rest of our lives."

Answer...

2006-08-07T19:32:00.000+07:00

"No, I will love you for the rest of mine."

Question...

2006-08-07T10:54:00.000+07:00

"Will you love me for the rest of my life?"

Quote of the day...

2006-08-04T08:40:00.000+07:00

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with a person, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Quote of the day...

2006-08-02T19:10:00.000+07:00

A movie quote...

This one taken from a movie "the Runaway Bride"

"I guarantee there will be tough times; I guarantee that at some point, one, or both of us is gonna wanna get out of this thing; But I also guarantee, that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I will regret it for the rest of my life... because I know in my heart, that you’re the only one for me..."

Hmmm... sweet... :)

Only reminds me of you by St. Paul

2006-08-02T15:50:00.000+07:00

One of my favorite songs...

I see you beside me
it's only a dream,
a vision of what used to be
the laughter, the sorrow
pictures in time
fading to memories...

How could I ever let you go
is it too late to let you know...

I tried to run from your side
but each place I hide
it only reminds me of you
when I turn out all the light
even the night
it only reminds me of you...

I needed my freedom
that's what I thought
but I was a fool to believe
my heart lied while you cried
rivers of tears but I was too blind to see ...

Everything we've been though before
now it means so much more...

I tried to run from your side
but each place I hide
it only reminds me of you...
When I turn out all the light
even the night
it only reminds me of you...

So come back to me
I'm down on my knees
Oh can't you see...

How could I ever let you go
is it too late to let you know...

I tried to run from your side
but each place I hide
it only reminds me of you
when I turn out all the light
even the night it only reminds me of you...
Only reminds me of you

the Gift...

2006-08-02T09:03:00.000+07:00

All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
From being broken apart
You gave your love away
And I’m thankful every day
For the gift...

Certificate "A"...

2006-08-01T18:44:00.000+07:00

Hey, good news!!!
I passed my exams for Certificate "A" in Indonesian Institute of Tax Consultants!! Yuhuuuu... Its a long two years to finally pass that exam! The grades are not too good, but hey its above pass limit. No matter I'm pass, so I wont have to take the whole exam again... Lol..
Hey, but dont let myself to get too carried away. I still have to pass two more certificates, B and C. Oh that will be a really long journey for that! Just take it easy one step at a time...
I plan to take the Certificate "B" this year. And I don't want to take two years to get it. Maybe one year is enough. It should be enough. So there's a lot to learn from now.

Break a leg... :)

Reminder

2006-08-01T18:32:00.000+07:00

Lol...
You know what?!
I now have a new reminder. Reminder for my blog. Someone who keep telling me to write here everyday!!! Lol... My boyfriend, my honey. He keeps telling me everyday, "hey you should write a blog today" or "hey you didnt write a blog today"... How sweet of him. :) but sometimes i just cant write it everyday or spend a little time to write. It needs full concentration. A little distraction will destroy it all. Anyway, I also have something to do to help my friend. He created a software about taxation laws, where you can find any taxation laws you need. He asked me to add some stuff about tax for the new edition. Since I said yes, so I've been trying to work it out since last week before, between or after working hours. :) So I spent most of those times working it out. Thats why I haven't had time to write here.

There is also my friend who likes seeing me writing a blog. Its my canadian friend. He even created one blog especially for me!!! How nice of him... But too bad, I still couldnt find the time. Anyway, why write in two blogs? Well, maybe i'll try later when i have time.

Hmmmmm... I'll write another post in a minute.

..........................................

2006-07-28T08:26:00.000+07:00

"Dead End?????"

Hmmm... its cloudy day out there. Like me, cloudy...

I had (another) argument last night with my boyfriend. Like we always did recently... Or I think I had. I don't know whats happening with us, or with me for exactly. Its always me whining and complaining... I'm sorry, thats just me...

He said that I didnt trust him and "Lack of trust = Deadend!"
Maybe he start giving up on me now. But I haven't and I will never giving up on us...
Last night was not about trust. I just didnt know which one is true of what he said to me. Not about trust at all. Maybe he thought that way. I dont know.

It started by simple things. First he said he will try to call me, then he said he dont know if he will or not. When i said, "so you wont call me tonight?", he said that he dont have the phone card. Do you see what I mean here? First he said "a", then "b", then "c". Then I really didnt know which one is true, what he meant by all those sentences. If he knew he dont have the cards, why he said he would try to call me???

Well, sorry if I didnt get what he meant by those sentences, but it got me confused and felt like I'm in the middle of nowhere. And then he left...

Its not about who's to blame. Its not always guys fault but I could always take the blame too. I'm sorry if I did a mistake. I never afraid to admit that. Maybe its just that we really are lack of communication these days. We didnt talk as much as we used to. I dont want to have another arguments with him. Sometimes I didnt even know what we're arguing or fighting about. Thats just me, being selfish silly of me...

I miss him. I miss us.

I love you...

Ten things I hate about you...

2006-07-27T14:39:00.001+07:00

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. - "Ten Things I Hate About You"

Hmmm...

2006-07-27T13:34:00.000+07:00

Phew, its so hot out there! And I dont really feel well either. Office still the the same, too many loud speaker everywhere. Cant I just have one day of peace???!!!

Oh gosh, I just realized that my shirt is smelly!!! and my hair too!!! Damn! It must be because I ate lunch there, smoky places. :( Now i have to spend the rest of the day smelling myself. I'll figure out to get rid of the smell later...

Hey honey, I know phone is expensive!!! I knew it ages ago!!! Why you just realize it now???
Anyway, I love you..... Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

working late...

2006-07-26T21:08:00.000+07:00

Fuih... Today I finished a calculation for fixed asset depreciation! Fussy client! :) I wondered why they asked just the fiscal depreciation... Hmmm... Never mind! One down, millions to go... Lol...

Hey, my honey just created his own blog today. He said that i never told him that i have this blog!!! I told him millions of time! Well, not millions, but at least few times. He just never opened it. So honey, now you know that I have this blog for two years now! You'd better remember the address I gave you... Lol...

I listening this song, "If ever you're in my arms again" by Peabo Bryson. If i'm listening to this song, I will remember the first soap opera that played in Indonesia. Its called "Santa Barbara".

"If ever you're in my arms again, this time I love you much better...
If ever you're in my arms again, this time I love you forever...
This time will never end..."

Oh, I just have so much to do that makes me confuse what to do first!!! Damn!!
OK lets calm down... First thing first...

Got to go....

I have found a guy...

2006-01-27T18:08:00.000+07:00

I have found a guy...

who calls me both beautiful and hot... (but beautiful first)
who will call me every day just to hear my voice...
who calls me when I hang up on him...
who will stay awake to watch me sleep...
who will let me sleep like a baby when i'm sick...
who kiss my eyes and forehead...
who said that i can clean my face and hand on him, but I'm still the most wonderful...
who wants to grow old with me...
who said that love is not just a feeling. Love is a soother, a memory, a sensation, sharing, believing and being together...
who keeps saying that he is the luckiest man in the world to have me, the luckiest man alive...
who keeps saying that I mean the world to him and he can't live without me...
who said that he can't imagine a life without me...
who said, "Love was once only a word to me coz I forgot how it felt. Then one day it all became you and more concrete as I discovered the true meaning and feeling..."
who said that I gave him the senses to feel true love...
who said that he is carrying his love for me with all his muscles...
who keeps reminding me that he cares a lot about me...
who said that my voice is sexy even when I just woke up...
who keeps worrying me...
who stand beside me through good and bad, through thick and thin...
who said that I dont have to dress up in front of him...
who said that I'm still beautiful even in sweats...
who thinks the world of me...
who wants to spend his lifetime with me...
who wants to share his life with me...
who always be there when I need him...
who will go through the fire if I tell him to...
who wants nothing but my happiness...
who makes me laugh and cry...
who loves me the way I am...

I love you honney... With every breath I take...

Find a guy...

2006-01-27T17:28:00.000+07:00

I got this from email few weeks ago. I read it once, and I knew I have found this guy... "Its you honey..."

Find a guy...
who calls you beautiful instead of hot...
who calls you back when you hang up on him...
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep...
wait for the guy who kisses your forehead...
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats...
who holds your hand in front of his friends...
wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you....
wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

New job... finally...

2006-01-25T14:26:00.000+07:00

I got new job today!!! Yeeehaaa..... Well, part of me decided to begin a new life, a new career, a challenges one. But part of me is sad for everything i left here. The colleagues, the environment, the crazy jokes, the crazy people, "curhat people"... I got everything here. I will miss it dearly. :( All i'm praying now that i will like the new place...

Its been so long...

2006-01-23T16:55:00.000+07:00

Its been a long time..... I haven't write for so long. But few days ago i got "comments" about my blog. Hmmm... surprising!!! But nice, really nice. And I inspired to write again. But it wont be like before coz I will be very busy the next months. Huuuh... :( I just need to calm down, relax and start to concentrate... Then everything will going smoothly... Viva Wulan!!! :)

I Love You

2005-07-01T23:57:00.002+07:00

This poem is written for me by someone who was so special for me... a long time ago... :)

LOVE YOU!!!

It started with friendship,
but then after a while,
that was not all it was meant to be,
it was much more than one smile,
I can feel my heart beat so loud,
calling out your name…..
I cant stop shivering with delight,
being around you isnt the same,
I try to hide my emotions,
I try hard not to let it show,
But I want you to know, - now
How I LOVE YOU so…..
Am I too young to feel this way?
Am I too young to know what to do?
Am I too young to make decisions?
But I know one thing - I LOVE YOU!!!

I put it here, just to reminded me that there was someone so sweet to write it for me... :)

It's been a loooooooooooooooooong time...

2005-07-01T16:25:00.000+07:00

HI!!! It's been a very very loooonnng time since I writen something in here.....
There are many things have happened!! I can't even describe what are they!!!!
I feel like so stupid... I should have wrote everything, but I dont know... I just feel reluctant to write something... I dont have enough time anyway!!!
Well, there's a lot of things happened.. and I dont know where to start........................
just one sentence to describe how I feel right now............... "I'm in looooooooooooooovee"

Marriage Proposal...

2005-03-24T09:06:00.000+07:00

I got a marriage proposal today..... *shocked*

When you look in my eyes...

2005-02-26T09:58:00.000+07:00

Thought I was through with love
Thought it was over
Didn't need what I needed before
The never-ending story had an ending after all
And it hurts you when you fall

Guess I didn't believe enough
Didn't think it could happen
I gave up on myself long ago
Love had me believing then it turned and closed the door
I couldn't trust it anymore

But I'm beginning to doubt my doubts
And I'm losing faith in my faithlesness
And the grey above is clearing, becoming blue sky
When you look in my eyes

But here in reality
It gets so confusing
Why are old habits hard to break
My heart's afraid of losing so I haven't played the game
It always seems to end the same

But I'm beginning to doubt my doubts
And I'm losing faith in my faithlesness
And the grey above is clearing, becoming blue sky
I'm beginning to feel again
And I'm losing what's left on my thoughtlesness
The sun has begun to come out in my life
When you look in my eyes

You gave me something more
It's like I'd neever loved before

One Night...

2005-02-25T14:41:00.000+07:00

I just heard this song again today... Not exactly like my mood, but almost... *sigh*

Long day and I'm ready
I'm waiting for your call
'Cause I've made up my mind
My heart aches with a hunger
And the want that you were mine
No I cannot deny

So for one night
is it all right
That I give you

My heart
My love
My heart
Just for one night
My body
My soul
Just for one night
My love
My love
For one night
One night
One night

When morning awakes me
Well I know I'll be alone
And I feel I'll be fine
So don't you worry about me
I'm not empty on my own
For inside I'm alive
That for one night
It was so right
That I gave you

quotes of the day2...

2005-02-17T15:51:00.000+07:00

"I love it when you look at me because for a moment I know I've crossed your mind." -- Source Unknown

"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart." -- Kahlil Gibran

Lonely Valentine...

2005-02-14T15:21:00.000+07:00

Happy Valentine's Day to everybody!!!

Today I was so furious!!! I don't why and how I could get so angry and sad at once... *hikshikshiks* I know that this is going to happen, I realized it a long time ago... but DAMN!!! I don't know what is happening to me... I need someone to talk but he's busy... damn!! I feel so sad, and I don't know the reason why... but I think that the true reason why I'm feeling so blue today is because I need someone today, but unfortunately there's no one to celebrate Valentine with... *hikshikshiks* how lonely my life has been for the past 24 years...

I'm frozen inside...

Lie to me...

2005-02-12T13:56:00.000+07:00

.....

"If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you don't love me baby - lie to me..."

"Lie to me...
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me...
But please don't leave...

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
So try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?..."

.....

quotes of the day...

2005-02-07T18:20:00.000+07:00

Its been a long time since I read new quotes... I used to read them a lot, where did the habbit go??!! where did all my habbits go??! and where did my life go??! *sighs* I've been live too long in dreams, an impossible dreams... but dreams I didn't want to give up yet, dreams that I always wish to come true someday... but damn!!! Its impossible, like trying to catch the falling stars... __wulan, all you do was just trying to make the impossible more impossible__ *hikshikshiks*

Anyway, here are the quotes I read today:

"Never close your lips to those to whom you have opened your heart." -- Charles Dickens

"To be loved is to live forever in someone's heart." -- Source Unknown

"What is beautiful is not always right; what is right is not always beautiful." -- Source Unknown

"If I reach for your hand, will you hold it? If I hold out my arms, will you hug me? If I go for your lips, will you kiss me? If I capture your heart, will you love me?" -- Source Unknown

"I’ve kissed a guy... I’ve kissed guys. I just haven’t felt that thing.... That thing... that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy, and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. And you wanna laugh and you wanna cry, ‘cause you feel so lucky that you’ve found it, and so scared that it’ll go away all at the same time." -- Drew Barrymore; from the movie "Never Been Kissed"

"I was reborn when you first kissed me. Part of me died when you left me. But, now I still live, waiting for the day you return to me." -- Source Unknown

Source : library.lovingyou.com

*hikshikshiks...*

that was all??!

2005-02-03T14:16:00.000+07:00

he was online for only 10 minutes, and only to ask what the meaning of my sms... *hikshikshiks*

my junior high school's friend whom I fell in love with a long time ago...

2005-02-03T10:53:00.000+07:00

damn!!! can't concentrate enough today to continue yesterday's stories... something's bothering my mind -something that I shouldn't even have to think about- tapi bikin BT buangeeet!!! *hiks* I should have stopped by now, but everything's so confusing... but, that the consequences of being me... I knew myself too well, and I know this time I wouldn't stop until it really hurts... well, that's me, you should take it or leave it... *whew!!*

ok, now the stories continue...

I went to Bali last July with all of my colleagues here, damn it was short!! should go there again someday, for a whole week with my best friends, and with my loved ones -if that ever possible- *hikshikshiks*... yeah but still this is a place that I must visit and put it on my vacation list...
well, not many of my friends know that I went there, only few... hey, but I got a really nice surprise on my last night there, really really nice surprise... *hehehehehe..* never thought that I could get a nice sms from him, and yes it was a "he" who sent me sms said that he missed me, though he said that jokingly, but still it was nice.. *big smiles* and the surprise continue on my way home from the airport... he called me, and yet another unexpectingly nice surprise... I can't help myself, I keep smiling on the way home, and the whole people on the bus must be think that I was crazy... *hehehe* I didn't give a damn, I was happy then... *big grin*
and I suddenly fell in love all over again with him...

He's nice, a nicer man than he was... I was glad that he changed, at least now I could talk to him smoothly, although I still can't look into his eyes... :) I think that he's more mature now or maybe experience with girls had made him changed from a cold guy to a more warmer guy... "waahhh, eneg banget ga se denger bahasanya"... hihihihi...
I've tried to build a new friendship with him and gladly he seemed ok with me, though he still so moody... *salah satunya sifatnya dia yg nyebelin*... _kebayang ga se pas lo pengen nelepon seseorang entah dengan alasan apa, tapi pihak satunya menanggapi dengan mood yg jelek_ well, that's him, and I get used to it now...
and since we've been friends again, tapi gue baru bisa ajak dia nonton bulan November, setelah lebaran... wow, the struggle was really hard... but it was worth while... on that day, I realized that it would be nicer and better if we were just friends, so from that day I didn't expect something more, although the sparkles still there, and I wouldn't say no if he asked me to... *smiles* until now, I just enjoyed this friendship, he could be very talkative sometimes, more talkative than me.. *hahahahaha* I will just enjoy this friendship for the time being... but, he will always be "someone I used to fall in love with..."

__ this is for you__

I just read someone else's blog...

2005-02-02T16:12:00.000+07:00

damn!!! this blog is really *something*... reminds me that this what blog's for, while I just let my blog untouch for more than 5 months now!!!! silly me... there are many things happened in my life for the past 5 months, but I didn't write anything, what a *dumbo* -words that I used so often these days- I am... *sigh*
Thanks to this person's blog I saw today, which reminds me a lot -I mean a looot- that no matter how simple things had happened to you, they are a very good lessons that come in and out of our life...

There are many things happened and I really dont know where to begin... and damn, I even forgot the dates... *sigh*

First, chattings have been my daily routines for the last 5 months, hehehe... I didn't know who's been complaining about this at the office, but I didn't give a damn at all... *wakakakak* Found few persons, but unfortunately most of them are extremely *crazy* (if you know what "crazy" mean!!! whew!!).. replied few of them, and become friends, although not kind of friends I've been looking for... but this is all crazy, I got addicted, I should have stopped, but damn I can't!!! hehehe... part of me just wanted to have my normal life back, but another part of me didn't... *sigh*

ok, the stories will continue tomorrow... in any minutes boss will ask me to come home... :)

wait, boss still haven't ask, so I'll just continue...

I've met a nice man many months ago on some e-books forum... nice, kind, book lovers, and music lovers too I guess, and really interested in many things like "kundalini", "reiki", "sci-fi", etc... but damn, he's married!! (this is only a joke... hehehe...) anyway, it's really nice to know him, a good friend to share everything... one more good thing about him is that I learned to write long english email... because that's the one thing I can't compare, "his long writing english email"!!! hahaha... but still, he's somebody else's lover.. ooops, "somebody else's husband" I mean!!! *sigh* (just another joke... :))

ok, enough for today...

Jiffest 2004

2004-12-13T15:46:00.000+07:00

After Ied, here comes Jiffest 2004!!! yipiiiii.... Its been a long time since I've watched movies in Jiffest, I mean a lot of movies, at least more than 5.... This year, I've watched -damn I forgot the numbers!!- maybe more than 10 movies, including Euro Film Festival which are free... jadi, daripada dianggurin tuh film-film gratis, kan lebih baik ditonton... Jiffest for 2004 is held between 3-12 December 2004. Let's see... I wacthed on 5, 7, 9, 10, 11 and 12 Dec 2004... Hahaha... what a fun!!!
I watched Lilja 4-ever, Le Chiavi di Casa, Io Non Ho Paura, Bridal Shower, In Oranje... damn I forgot the rest!! and I watched "Bride and Prejudice" too, the closing film that directed by the director of Bend It Like Beckham... Its an Indian version of "Pride and Prejudice" of Jane Austen. I hate that movie.... *sighs, hikshiks...* damn, this movie remind me of someone!! (but still I bought the DVD) *huuuuhhhh*
why I don't like this movie??! Its because this *damn* movie remind me of someone a loooootttt, and its because its an impossible movie, its only a dream movie, a make up movie, because the story is impossible, *damn* impossible to be happened in a real life!!!! ITS A DAMN IMPOSSIBLE MOVIE WITH AN IMPOSSIBLE STORY!!! IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!!! AND IT WAS *DAMN* SURE WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME!!!! *hikshikshikshikshiks.....*
I couldn't watch the movie again, at least not the whole movie, I bought it only for my sister and everyone else who want to watch it!!! hikshikshiks....

_I couldn't continue... so, that's it for now... *sighs*_

...

2004-12-09T09:31:00.000+07:00

"Love and electricity are one in the same, my dear. If you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoken, a touch is felt, then your not really in love at all."
- C. J. Franks

Miss you...

2004-12-09T09:12:00.000+07:00

"I heard someone whisper your name, but when I turned around to see who it was, I was alone. Then I realized that it was my heart telling me that I miss you."
- Source Unknown

Only reminds me (of you)

2004-09-16T11:22:00.000+07:00

...

"how could I ever let you go
is it too late to let you know

I tried to run from your side
but each place I hide
it only reminds me of you
when I turn out all the light
even the night
it only reminds me of you... you... "

Selfishness

2004-09-09T20:39:00.000+07:00

I feel so selfish today...
While there are husbands, wives, children, parents and families mourning and grieving for their losts, I am grieving for my own lost... And my lost is nothing compare to theirs...
It really is an unreasonable and unexplainable sadness, without proof, without confirmation... Just based on a women instinct...
Hey, there are people out there who lost someone they loved just because of a cruelty of few people, while me, who still can laugh, grieving for some unknown reason and caused...
Life is so unexplainable...

Emotions...

2004-09-09T16:33:00.000+07:00

I don't know why... but my emotions are really unstable these few weeks... I can't figure out why... Maybe it's because of those hatred, love, sorrow and sad feelings... To feel all of those feelings at once are really tiring, feels like I've been running few miles... Just try it!!! Hehehe...

I can't make you love me...

2004-08-31T16:45:00.000+07:00

...
´Cause I can´t make you love me if you don´t
you can´t make your heart feel something it won´t
here in the dark, these final hours
I will lay down my heart
and I'll feel the power
but you won´t, no you won´t
coz I can´t make you love me if you don´t...

I´ll close my eyes then I won´t see
the love you do not feel when you´re holding me
mornin´ will come and I´ll do what´s right
just give me till then, to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight...

when you love someone...

2004-08-16T17:07:00.000+07:00

when you love someone... you'll do anything
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon, put out the sun
when you love someone...

you'll deny the the truth, believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you could really fly
but your lonely nights, have just begun
when you love someone...

when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothing else can ever change your mind
when you want someone... when you need someone
when you love someone...

when you love someone... you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone...
you'll shoot the moon, put out the sun
when you love someone...

Funeral Blues

2004-08-16T16:50:00.000+07:00

...

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

(W.H. Auden)

If you were with me now...

2004-08-05T07:42:00.000+07:00

Without you standing by my side
Love and good fortune passes me by
And you were my guiding light
It seemed so easy
When we said goodbye

How different would the world be now
If only we had worked it out somehow
What kind of fools are you and I
There would be stars up in the sky
If you were with me now...

Cruel...

2004-08-04T16:48:00.000+07:00

Damn!! It really is a cruel world!! How come I never met someone nice?? Just found out that you can’t trust everyone… You can’t even trust your best friend, so how come you trust someone you didn’t even know… It hurts, but I know I’ll be okay… I’d rather you be mean to me, than sweet and lie… It easier that way, so I can find away of letting you go… Frankly, I miss you today… :(

a disappointment

2004-08-02T16:38:00.000+07:00

I always thought that no one could ever hurt me again like someone did before, but I was wrong… I am completely wrong… You hurt me… I didn’t feel so much pain though, but I feel a huge disappointment…
I’ve been hurt honey, so much… by your ignorance, by your attitude… I thought you were difference from anybody else… I thought that this would last forever, but I was wrong…

dReAmeR

2004-08-02T16:22:00.000+07:00

it doesn't interest me
what you do for a living
i want to know
what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart's longing...

it doesn't interest me how old you are
i want to know if you will risk
looking like a fool for love,
for your dream,
for the adventure
of being alive...

Poem by Laura Fontain...

Learn from your mistakes...

2004-08-02T16:05:00.000+07:00

On falling out of love, take some times to heal and then get back on the horse. But don't ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time...

"...hEaRtaChEs..."

2004-08-02T15:55:00.000+07:00

For all the heartaches and the tears, for gloomy days and fuitless years, you should give thanks, for you know that these were the things which helped you grow...

-- a Letter to the Dearest --

2004-07-09T14:43:00.000+07:00

To the dearest,
I miss you, as I always had and I always will.
I never thought that I could still miss you after all these times. I missed you terribly at night, when I was try to close my eyes, when nights are started to crawl and the moon starts to shine. I missed your voice, I missed your laughter, I missed our long hours conversations, I missed our discussions, I missed your late night calls, in fact, I missed everything about you. Only God knows why you left, and only God knows what I have been going through. I know you’re out there somewhere, but I do know too that I could never reach you no matter how hard I try. The memories of you will haunt me forever, and its still hurt me. I know, I should never keep the pain, but I still can’t find a way letting you go… I never had a chance to tell you “I love you”, I never had a chance to tell you how much I care about you, and I never had a chance to thank you… I love you for the way you are, I love the way you make me feel, I love everything that’s in you… You introduce me to a place I’ve never been, called love… I never thought that I could fall so deeply to someone until I met you, you show me a whole brand new world… A world so wonderful, but I could never fit in… I can’t get into your world, as you can’t get into mine… I care so much about you, as I care about myself… I want to thank you for the times we shared together, thank you for the memories I will cherish forever, thank you for giving me laughter and joy, for giving me sad and sorrow… Thank you for asking me to be with you… Thank you for everything…
I gave up on you a long time ago, I gave up on everything I ever hope for, I gave up on you like I never gave up on anyone before… but I know that some part of me will always hold on to you forever… part of me will always love you and miss you, no matter how long time have passing by and no matter what I have been going through… I love you...
Yours always,
-me-

-- Never... --

2004-07-01T18:03:00.000+07:00

never say I love you, if you don't care,
never talk about feelings if they aren't there,
never touch a life if you mean to break a heart,
never look in the eye when you do is lie.
the cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl, is to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall...

Love is

2004-07-01T17:43:00.000+07:00

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress, it is a life time venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing...

How to define love...

2004-07-01T17:38:00.000+07:00

How to define love :
fall but do not stumble,
be constant but not persistent,
share and never be unfair,
understand and try not to demand,
hurt but never keep the pain...

2004-07-01T11:03:00.000+07:00

Missing someone today...

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways...

2004-06-28T11:29:00.000+07:00

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
I love thee to the depth and breath and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight
I love thee freely, as men strive for right
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old grief's and with my childhood's faith
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my love saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! And if God choose
I shall but love thee better after death...

(E.B. Browning)

Arrivederci Gli Azzuri...

2004-06-24T08:14:00.000+07:00

Email from "Jharezz"... 23 Juni 2004

GILAA..GILAA..dan GILAA..!! Azzuri pagi2 dach musti angkat koper, salah siapa coba?? bayangin aja masa' team sekelas Italia yang bermaterikan pemain2 top macam Gattuso, Pirlo, Nesta, Vieri, Cassano, FT (nama trakhir sengaja gw singkat karena gw benci banget ma nich orang) bisa tewas di babak pertama??!! ..WHAT"S THE MAK"S..?? kalo kata gw si Trap juga sih kagak mikir... masak bukan mainin PIRLO ama Gattuso yang dipasang dari awal, malah pemain yang kagak jelas kayak C.Zanetti.. kalo si Trap dari awal memainkan Pirlo dengan formasi 4-4-2 mungkin jalan ceritanya bisa beda dan juga secara pribadi gw kecewa banget kenapa Pippo yang mempunyai kontribusi besar atas lolosnya Italia ke putaran final euro 2004, tidak dipasang?? sebagai top skorer di timnas harusnya Trapp memasang Pippo, mampus aje dech loe TRAP akhirnya loe dipecat FIGC, gw dach muak ama skema kepelatihannya dia, beda banget ama Dinno Zoff.

Saran gw ITALIA dach gak butuh pelatih yang terus menekankan pertahanan ala grendel macam TRAPP, dan ITALIA gak butuh penyerang yang temprament & banyak gaya macam TOTTONG ..

a HoPe...

2004-06-23T14:35:00.000+07:00

Tak ada apa-apa... tak ada rasa, tak ada getar-getar ketika sosokmu tiba-tiba muncul di depan pintu... Aku tak pernah mengira akan berjumpa denganmu lagi... Aku tak pernah mengira bisa mengenalmu lagi... Tapi, kau benar-benar telah kembali, dan telah kuyakinkan diri bahwa ini bukan mimpi...
Kau datang tidak dengan tangan kosong, kau tidak sama seperti yang dulu... Masih terbayang dengan jelas dalam ingatanku, dulu sebuah senyum samar pun jarang sekali kau berikan padaku... Ingatkah kau? Tapi sekarang, kau tertawa!! Sebuah perubahan besar...
Tetapi ada satu yang tak berubah tentang dirimu, kau masih tertutup... Kau tertawa, kau tersenyum, kau bercanda, tapi hatimu masih tertutup rapat...
Walaupun begitu, tahukah kau bahwa cinta itu datang lagi... cinta yang telah kukubur rapat-rapat dan dalam-dalam, ternyata masih tersisa setitik dan terselip jauh di dasar hati, menunggu untuk bersemi kembali...
Tapi kutau cintamu bukan dan takkan pernah untukku...
Aku hanya berharap, semoga suatu hari nanti kau mau membuka pintu hatimu, sedikit saja... satu celah kecil untuk masuknya cintaku...

Kuingin sendiri hari ini...

2004-06-23T08:01:00.000+07:00

Kuberjalan pagi ini dengan langkah ringan. Sendiri... seperti biasa, seakan tak terjadi apa-apa, dengan ritual yang sama dengan kemarin... Kuhembuskan napas dalam-dalam untuk menghirup segarnya udara pagi, walaupun sudah tercampur dengan bau asap dari knalpot-knalpot mobil tidak layak jalan yang berseliweran di sepanjang jalan.. Kunikmati hangatnya mentari pagi.. Aaaahhhh.... Lumayan untuk menghilangkan segala kepenatan selama seminggu ini... Dini hari tadi kuucapkan "Selamat Ulang Tahun" untuk dua orang sahabat... Satu orang teman kuliahku, dan satunya adalah orang yang sangat berarti, cinta di masa remaja...

Sesampainya di tengah keramaian orang, entah kenapa dadaku terasa sesak, seperti tak bisa bernapas... Mungkin karena mereka mengingatkan pada kesedihan, pada kepenatan... Mungkin aku perlu sendiri hari ini, tapi tak bisa... Seandainya bisa, aku pasti sudah sendiri hari ini, di kamar, atau menonton semua DVD yang ada di rumah... Aaahhhhhh, seandainya bisa...

--Heartbreak--

2004-06-19T13:03:00.000+07:00

Heartbreaks will last as long as you want, and cut deep as you allow them to go... The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to
learn from them...

Unknown

tHe gReAteSt iRonY of LovE...

2004-06-19T12:07:00.000+07:00

"The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on, and holding on when you need to let go..."

Ini adalah salah satu "quotation" fav gue... Ironis banget ga se kalimatnya?? coba deh baca baik-baik, resapi dan renungkan, trus kasih comment bagaimana maknanya menurut kalian...

Please, tell me how to keep away the pain...

2004-06-19T11:44:00.000+07:00

Aku menangis lagi malam ini... Luka itu terbuka kembali dan tetap terasa perih... sementara, dia disana bahagia... tangisku memang tak pernah selesai sejak malam itu.. enam bulan sudah berlalu tapi tangisku tak juga selesai... kenapa luka ini tak mau sembuh??!

"Dia tak berharga!!", berkali-kali seorang teman menasehatiku.. Dia memang tak berharga!! Bahkan aku pun tak bisa menyangkalnya.. tapi mengapa luka ini tetap tak mau sembuh??!...

Please, tell me how to keep away the pain...

29 Mei 2004, menjelang malam...

oNce UpoN a tiMe...

2004-06-18T16:33:00.000+07:00

once upon a time,
when the sky was covered with blue...
once upon a time,
when the sun was smiling too...
we're just common people with an ordinary look,
we're just common people with an ordinary love,
and once upon a time,
when I fell in love with you...

from a "friend", unknown source...

OuT oF rEacH...

2004-06-16T18:26:00.000+07:00

"ku tak bisa menggapaimu, takkan pernah bisa,
kau hanya mimpi bagiku, tak untuk jadi nyata"

2004-06-15T18:57:00.000+07:00

I can't make you love me...

Loving someone...

2004-06-14T16:31:00.000+07:00

Mencintai seseorang itu mudah, hal tersulit adalah melepaskannya...

...

2004-06-14T16:27:00.000+07:00

I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her...

from "Notting Hill"

Pergilah kemana hati membawamu...

2004-06-14T13:16:00.000+07:00

Dan kelak, di saat begitu banyak jalan terbentang dihadapanmu
dan kau tak tahu jalan mana yang harus kauambil,
janganlah memilihnya dengan asal saja, tetapi duduklah dan tunggulah sesaat.
Tariklah napas dalam-dalam, dengan penuh kepercayaan,
seperti saat kau bernapas di hari pertamamu di dunia ini.
Jangan biarkan apapun mengalihkan perhatianmu, tunggulah dan tunggulah lebih lama lagi.
Berdiam dirilah, tetap hening, dan dengarkanlah hatimu.
Lalu, ketika hati itu bicara, beranjaklah, dan pergilah kemana hati membawamu...

from "Va' Dove ti Porta il Cuore" by Susanna Tamaro

Sabtu Kelabu

2004-06-12T12:37:00.000+07:00

My first post... Hehehe... :D
Sabtu pagi udah nongkrong di kantor.. kaciaaann ya...
Emang ga ada kerjaan se.. tapi akhirnya bisa beres2 laci... setelah sekian lama begitu berantakan... :)